My Silver Linings Playbook

Goodbye, Cosmo Kramer

April 25th, 2023

Over the weekend, I had the opportunity to do something that I haven’t done in over a year. Actually, one year, one month, almost to be exact… I got a haircut, with the purpose of styling it. I wasn’t really thinking about it, when we walked into the salon. I was busy talking with our hairdresser and trying to figure out what direction that I wanted to go with my hair (keep it short, try to grow out, etc.) that I wasn’t paying close attention to all that she was cutting. It was my toddler, who exclaimed “Oh no!”, when she looked under my chair and noticed all of the hair that had been cut off. (Don’t get me wrong, Shannon, my hairdresser did not do anything that I hadn’t asked for.) At first, I laughed at her exaggerated expression, but I was not prepared for the wave of emotions that swept over me, as I looked at all of the hair on the floor. The first thing that came to mind was that first time that I cut my hair, after I started to lose so much, so fast, after my first round of chemo. There were so many emotions that day, as well as so many to follow, until my hair eventually all fell out. The next thing that came to mind was a feeling of guilt or something similar. While I was totally bald or had the tiniest, flimsiest of baby hairs during and after chemo, I dreamt of the day that I would have hair again. To have so much cut off and to have my hair thinned out (because it was getting so bushy with the curls) felt almost sacrilegious. I sat for a moment, making small talk, looking at the pile of hair on the floor and feeling lost again. The only good thing about my hair coming back so thick and unruly after chemo (other than the obvious fact THAT IT WAS GROWING AGAIN )was that I had beautiful curls that I had never naturally had before. In my quest to get rid of the bulk that was causing my hair to look like Cosmo Kramer, I had also gotten rid of my beautiful curls.

I’m not unhappy with the haircut/style that she gave me. I looked in the mirror and down at the floor and back again several times. As I have had to try to figure out so many times over the past 14 months, I again am struggling to identify that woman looking back at my in the mirror. Most days, I feel like I have come so far and am able to recognize where I’m at and who I am. Other days, something that is seemingly as simple as a hair cut (that I’ve had a million times or close to it in my life, and that I have always been so excited to do) can leave me struggling to recognize myself. So many people have said “it’s just hair”,

“It’ll grow back” and other things like this. Maybe they’re right- I survived being completely bald (no lashes or brows either), and yes, my hair has grown back, thankfully. However, I think that anyone saying this also has probably not been in a similar situation and had to question what part of their identity that they equate with their hair. After all, most of the people saying things like this are probably not willing to buzz their hair/eyebrows/lashes off too. (Probably because they’d never want to look like a sick person, channel their inner Uncle Fester). So, now I will continue to try to learn how to “do my hair” with the new, shorter style that she gave me. I have a different texture, different color and some additional silver linings (gray hairs) that I didn’t have before, but that’s ok. I will work to tame it, and on the plus side, I’m no longer a dead ringer for Cosmo Kramer at the end of my day anymore.
“Not that cross…”

April 3rd, 2023

Each year during Lent, I try to reflect on the year and things that I would like to change spiritually. This year was no different. I was going to really work on my own spiritual journey and try to do more for people in my life. I started off strong and then truthfully got too tired to accomplish everything that I had set out to do. As I sat at mass today, on the eve of Palm Sunday, I listened to them read the gospel that I have heard so many times before. I am always struck by the whole reading of the Passion, but always come back to Peter. To me, Peter is the most human element. I too have read the words about “picking up my cross and following God”. I too have been all in and could not imagine ever denying God. I am not saying that I’m not a strong believer in God, even in the hard times. However, I’m also not saying that when I have come to lowest points of my life, like my cancer diagnosis, I haven’t said (either literally or figuratively) to God, I said I would take up my cross, but not that one… (maybe we don’t have a specific idea of what that cross would be for us, but I think most of us have more definite ideas of what it would not be or at least what we hope it wouldn’t be).

Peter’s story resonates so much with me because I too have a strong faith, but when so much has been tested of me in the past year, it’s been a whole lot harder to have faith and hand everything over to God. I went through so many stages of grief- including but not limited to: denial, despair, anger, bargaining, etc., but after all of these passed, then I was able to wade through the muck that I was left with. The choice of staying stuck in a bad place or trying to navigate what happens next. That’s what the past year has looked like- a continuous re-adjustment of what the next phase of things looks like. I’ve passed through so many of these phases, like small towns along my the way, but continue to need help with navigation of where I’m going. This is where I am able to re-pick up my cross and continue on with what I was made to do.

After all, He has known the plans for me all along. Perhaps it wasn’t that I refused my cross, or lost my way, but instead that I put it down when it got too heavy, along the way.
Hello World!

April 2nd, 2023

Welcome to WordPress! This is your first post. Edit or delete it to take the first step in your blogging journey.

Goodbye, Cosmo Kramer

“Not that cross…”

Hello World!